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The Blue Room :: General :: Mental Health Board :: Re-Introducing Josh. A problem of life.

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Topic: Re-Introducing Josh. A problem of life. (Read 49 times)

Tanshin
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Tanshin

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Re-Introducing Josh. A problem of life.
« Thread Started on Sept 24, 2009, 11:49pm »

Hello, long time since I have been back to Blue for any reasonable time.

I have no excuses, there is no excuse for not being here. I made my bed and I should sleep in it.

So since my surgery (for those who don't know I had Neurosurgery on 10/10/2007) I have gone down hill. I guess that is kind of the reason I have been gone.

I didn't want to set a bad example. I created this site to try to help, but I have failed myself, and that makes me ashamed. I thought I would re-introduce myself since I have been absent so long and changed so much.

I'm doing real bad now. I don't sleep much or on any regular schedule... I have a major anxiety disorder. I am depressed all the time. I think (pretty sure) I have OCD. I can't stop collecting, and I don't realize that I do.

My wife had to point it out to me, and when I looked I had collected over 20 bottles by my chair... all aligned from smallest to largest, color, top color, content level and more...

I can't breath anymore, or at least I feel like I can't. I don't get hungry, the thought of eating makes me sick. The smell of food makes me sick.

I'm getting worse by the day, I am getting weak and dehydrated.

I don't know and never have known how to be "human"... I feel like a wild animal in a cage... I want to lash out if anyone comes to close, or attack if my cage is rattled. I'm not stable.

I've ran out of medications to try. My doctor is waiting for the FDA to approve a new one so I can try it. Hope is hard to find sometimes.

I, like many, have no money. It is all gone. I wish I could take my wife out for something nice. Hell, I wish I had the money to buy her some new shoes, or a drink... But I have nothing. I can't pay my bills. I don't know what is going to happen. I literally have no money, I've sold everything of worth to make it this long and since it is all sold... Well you know.

My wife is sick and in pain all the time. We don't have the money to take her to the doctor. She was just diagnosed with sjogren's syndrome last week. She needs treatments and injections that we just can't afford.

My aunt was diagnosed with liver cancer that has spread to her adrenal glands... It is a form of drug induced cancer from Tylenol.

My sister has another tumor. It is pressing on her spine.

My outlook has changed since the surgery, I am depressed but for the FIRST time in my life I don't want to die. I found appreciation for the things I have, I think it is the worst thing that has happened to me. Now I have death to fear for the first time. A true warrior has only one weakness, if you can make him fear death you destroy him/her. I have been destroyed...

I can't put into words all the things that are wrong with me, or life... I can list things but I can't list them all... There just aren't enough words.

I'm sorry I have let you all down. I wanted to get better, I wanted to be an example of how things can work out for you all and I have failed.

To be honest I keep forgetting things... Everything since the surgery has seemed like a distant and foggy dream. I lost a whole year, and I can't figure out how...

I can't make it to the physical therapy I know I need. I am too anxious to go and I simply don't have the money even to pay to park my car. I live to far from everything to get a bus ride. It's an hour or two walk to the next bus stop.

I have no idea how to communicate any more. The paranoia is eating me alive. I can do only this... I apologize for not doing more, I apologize for not being more and I apologize for being a poor example of hope existing.

Here I am... I'm me, but what is that?

-Josh

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eryn
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Re: Re-Introducing Josh. A problem of life.
« Reply #1 on Sept 30, 2009, 4:23am »

I'm really sorry to hear about all this Josh, and wish that I could offer you some hope.
Please try not to feel that you have let anyone here down. You haven't had alot of control over what has happened to you and it sounds like you do desperately want to get better but are short of resources.

I'll be thinking of you. Take care.

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OldTimer
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Re: Re-Introducing Josh. A problem of life.
« Reply #2 on Oct 9, 2009, 10:19am »

It is not a sign of good health to be well adjusted to a sick society.
—Jiddu Krishnamurti

Josh,

Long time no read and write.

You needn't apologize for anything. Present or absent, you are loved, appreciated and respected in Blue.

Besides, I'm the official and proud persona non grata so I got yer back.

Speaking of which:

"I have failed myself, and that makes me ashamed."

"I'm sorry I have let you all down. I wanted to get better, I wanted to be an example of how things can work out for you all and I have failed."

I know you feel this in your soul so it is your truth--and I know my words will probably not mean a d-mn thing--but you do not have anything to be ashamed about.

Having followed your life's trials and tribulations--to the extent you have felt available enough to share them--I think it's only natural to feel the gravity of your emotional, physical, and economic black hole.

I'm compelled to add that what you have shared above is increasingly common to the Nightmare of the American Dream. I know we are culturally in denial of this stark reality--the empire is collapsing as all empires do--for obvious reasons but the effects exists and the consequences persist regardless.

We spend forever in Blue bashing ourselves over the head with our personal failings, believing "I am separate from you", "I am separate from nature", "I am separate from life and the universe"--all the while forgetting we are one.

I know you understand this perhaps better than anyone here, certainly better than I.

"I don't know and never have known how to be 'human'... I feel like a wild animal in a cage... I want to lash out if anyone comes to close, or attack if my cage is rattled. I'm not stable."

You do not have to know how to be human, you can't be anything else even if you tried.

It seems to me that your expressions of self are all too human, inside and out.

And I think it's only natural to feel like a wild animal in a cage since the modern, industrial human primate is exactly that. It's one of the main reasons I prefer to do my zoo time in solitary, the other exhibits freak me the f-ck out.

"I apologize for not doing more, I apologize for not being more and I apologize for being a poor example of hope existing."

You are what you are and that is more than enough.

Hope blows mighty chunks.

F-CK HOPE!

"I have no excuses, there is no excuse"

No excuse is necessary as there is no blame or failing.

You have committed no sin or transgression.

You are doing the best you can in the moment.

That's all we can do in life.

Josh--and Straw (whazzup!

) and Moose and Danielle and all those who do the endless, thankless job of moderating Blue--you touch many lives.

You do the right thing.

For that I thank and salute you.

Peace,
--
David

« Last Edit: Oct 9, 2009, 10:29am by OldTimer »

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Tanshin
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Re: Re-Introducing Josh. A problem of life.
« Reply #3 on Oct 23, 2009, 7:16pm »

Thanks you two! It helps to hear some kind words for sure.

David, your words always touch me to the core. I love hearing from you as it is beautiful in every sense of the word to feel like I am having an intelligent conversation even when I'm not talking. I send much respect your way my friend (to call you friend is an honor in itself).

I'm still doing pretty bad mental health wise, but I do hope to take some time this weekend to try to relax. I fear I will spend the whole time worrying about everything... I've been throwing up for days from stress and haven't been able to attempt to eat in over four days now. I am trying to push on, I think that is what is important. I'm not sure.

-Josh

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OldTimer
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Re: Re-Introducing Josh. A problem of life.
« Reply #4 on Oct 29, 2009, 8:02pm »

Josh,

I am humbled by your kind words.

They mean more to me than you can know.

They inspired much needed tears of communion and relief.

Thank you.

I, too, suffer day to day. Though I am not, nor will I ever be, blessed with a female who would stick by a male during such times. Cherish her gift Josh (I know you do). She is as rare as iridium.

I wish I had a partner to share the burden of this life...

But such luxuries are forever beyond my means.

"I am trying to push on, I think that is what is important. I'm not sure."

For some it is, for others it isn't.

Personally, I think folks like Michael McLendonan, Jim Badasci and Daniel Weston and Mary Ann Parmelee probably have the right idea. At least they were proactive whereas most of us go along to get along (which is probably the cause of much of our psychological anguish: the overwhelming powerlessness of our lives in this sick, twisted, perverse, hyper-abusive Culture of Make Believe).

Given the insanity of this culture, their behavior seems reasonably sane to me.

The kind of insanity which is eviscerating and decimating the South (which, if fuzzy memory serves, is where you reside).

The kind of insanity that leaves untold numbers of terrified and abused children in its wake.

The kind of insanity that leaves untold numbers of terrified and abused adults in its wake.

To name but 3 symptoms of our dis-ease.

One thing is clear, there is no "normal" anymore--as our previous notion of normal was always anomalous and unsustainable by definition--and Life at the End of Empire is not for the squeamish.

We ain't seen nothin' yet.

Peace to you, one way or another, one day at a time.
--
David
--
There are millions of us contemplating the same sinking ship, even if we don't know it yet.

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